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Asking Myself Why (Testimony part 1) |
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| By angelicagreenwitch | 2011-10-25 11:49:08 |
| I feel it necessary to express that my name isn’t Angelica Greenwitch, that I’m simply using an alias because of my situation. It’s not abusive or anything like that, as you will eventually find out. This is my sob story. I grew up in a conservative, Republican, Christian home. And for the majority of my life, I’ve been sheltered from the secular world. My parents are well-educated, level headed, hard working adults. We’ve attended the same Christian church since before even my siblings were born. Our church is known for being extremely friendly, tolerant, and good-natured. When I was in fifth grade, I was bullied in a Christian private school (it really goes to show that private schools don’t exactly make the children religious). Ostracized and soon to develop hermit-like habits, I found myself with tons of spare times on my hands. I honed my drawing and reading skills. I became one of the smartest kids in a class of about forty. It was also during this time that I began to wonder about my faith, and about the gender inequality. I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling. Questions like “why am I a Christian” kept popping into my head. After all, if I’d been born in America to a Hindu family, I’d be strongly influenced by them. My Christian teachers said “Just because your parents are Christians doesn’t mean you are.” But what they were really saying was “don’t tell us anything we don’t want to hear.” We discussed evolution and briefly broached the topic of other religions, but only long enough to tell us why it’s wrong. There wasn’t much actual information, only opinions from preachers. With all the spare time on my hands, I looked up a few different religions. Wicca wasn’t high on my list, so it took me a while to start looking it up. And when I did, I found it agonizing to do. First of all, I didn’t even know what to look for (still in 6th/7th grade at this point and being told what to study, not how to study). Secondly, I could tell there were a lot of people online who were “playing” at being wiccans and there was a lot of misinformation. Thirdly, as a young child, I had a lot of people checking on what websites I was on. After all, I might accidentally stumble on a porn website or get cyber-stalked. I’m glad I didn’t have much information back then. I was still very angry at my classmates for their bullying. I even wanted to cast some kind of curse on one of them – anything to fulfill my misguided feelings. I consoled myself that in ninth grade I’d been in high school. Things would be different. They were. I realized what a sheltered life I’d lead, not to mention how small my private school really was. I met my first ethnic friends (we had about four ethnic kids in my private school). In high school, learned more than I did in the first thirteen/fourteen years of my life. Specifically to my religious life, I discovered the Wiccan stereotype – lesbian, man-/Christian- hating, eco friendly females – was so wrong. After all, I was the proof against it. I was also desperate to get any information on Wicca – just to make sure it was for me. I turned to anything and everything that gave even false information – Blue is for Magic, The Craft, Charmed, Practical Magic, grimm’s fairy tales, etc. I also started gardening a lot. My grandmother is a master gardener, and I have something of a green thumb as well. I also found some spells online, but most of it sounded silly, like the makers were playing at being witches. And then, I stumbled on an assignment that gave me free reign to look up whatever I needed without fear. I didn’t have to be scared that someone would call me out, tell my parents. After all, I’d be telling my parents about the assignment myself. |
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