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Allow me to introduce myself

By Raina 2016-08-08 02:42:12
I would like to introduce myself to you, a community of what I perceive to be fellow seekers. The self I would like to introduce is my inner self. I have never done that before, so I hope you will be patient and open.

I am early in my crone years at 54, so I am struggling to respect my own wisdom. A difficult task when I have spent most of my life being written off as not worth listening to. I won’t bore you with the many ways I have come to understand that, but I did grow up in the 60’s and 70’s before women could safely speak their minds, and let’s just say my father had no business with children.

I fought hard to gain my wisdom. I grew up “unchurched” as my Christian friends called it. No one in my family talked about religion or faith. I prayed though. I prayed every night to “God”, in spite of knowing nothing about this fabled being. In my maiden years I tried very hard to be exactly what I was supposed to be. I went to college, wasn’t promiscuous, and started looking at churches. I was determined to wait until I found just the right man to settle down with and live happily ever after. I didn’t find a church during that time, but I found a couple I knew were not for me. I knew with certainty I could never worship the same being I was living in fear of. So any church that said I should be afraid of hell was definitely not right in my book.

In my early twenties I finally found what I thought was “the right man”. I fell in love, not only with him, but with his faith. He was Catholic and was wonderfully able to communicate the teachings of the church. He could have been a priest and I found later had briefly considered the idea. I became Catholic after we married, and still believe of all the Christian faiths, Catholicism makes the most since. But still I can’t reconcile a “God of Love” delivering (or should I say failing to deliver us) from the horrors of this world.

I married at twenty-five and still trying to please, allowed him to say “no” to children until I was 35. Our first child was a beautiful baby girl. We then had two miscarriages, a boy and another girl. Of course by the time my third child was born I was 40 and I had to learn about Down’s Syndrome. At two we found out our son had Asperger’s Syndrome. I wasn’t angry exactly. How could I be. I knew without doubt that my children were who they were supposed to be, but I kept revisiting the question… If we are not all the same in the beginning how can we all be expected to get to the same place in the end. How could my daughter be saved when she couldn’t understand the concept of sin? And if she couldn’t understand it how could it apply to her? And if not her then who?

With those questions and many more in my mind, and knowing I was not a bad person who deserved a difficult life, I began to see less equity in the world around me. I lost my sense that there was order to the world. My world had become chaos. But as I contemplated that idea, I came to see that as the point of it all. The world is chaos. But we as human beings have the miracle of brains that can make sense of it all. We can see the patterns, the cycles that govern the chaos. We each individual can be the order of the universe. I believe that is what makes magic possible. We gather the objects that focus our energy and create the patterns that change our reality into what we want it to be.

I don’t know if I am Druid or Wiccan, but I believe the universe itself is the all-powerful. I believe we are each a part of that universe and therefore any name we choose can represent that to us. When I seek the guidance of the universe, I call the name I believe my ancestors called, Cerridwen. I don’t see her as the all-powerful, but as a link through time to my ancestors and to a version of myself when people still recognized themselves as connected to the earth, moon, sun, water, trees, animals, etc.

As I settle into my crone years, I am looking back at the other stages of my life with objectivity and see that I should have been more selfish as a child, and I would have preferred to be a better mother, but the wisdom in me says I was abused as a child and therefore was locked into a survival strategy of pleasing people even when they didn’t deserve it. And as a mother, I was born with difficulties of depression and attention deficit disorder that didn’t give me the energy I needed and since I didn’t start when I should have my energy was already on the wane. In short I can cut myself some slack. I have raised a beautiful powerful daughter who is starting college this year with a desire to make a career of taking care of the planet we live on, a son who is starting high school this year and is beginning to see the people around him as more than just children to be tolerated. And my youngest is happy and shares that joy with everyone she encounters.

I know that is a lot for an introduction, but I want to share myself with you in the hopes that you will share some of yourself with me. I find connecting with others who share my outside the norm ideas (the norm being the standard Judeo-Christian world view), gives me more power and takes away nothing.

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